Swans
by FMW1019
Summary: After jude's 18th birthday she leaves but not before saying goodbye to the man who broke her heart, the man who hurt her worse than anyone had ever hurt her before, the man that she loves..... NEW: make this go one forever is the alt. version of 3
1. swans

Summary: After seeing Tommy kiss Sadie at her 18th birthday Jude leaves. But not before saying goodbye to him one last time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or Swans by Unkle Bob... as much as i'd like to.

_By my side,_

_You'll never be._

"I'm leaving, and I don't think i'm coming back." Those were my words once, I said them to her on the night that was supposed to really start things for us. But I left, and things were different now. She was saying them to me, at my door.

_By my side,_

_You'll never be._

"Jude, wait. Sit. Talk to me." Things really were reversed, I was begging her to stay. But how do you explain something when you're not exactly sure why or how it happened?

_Cos I'm fake at the seams,_

_I'm lost in my dreams._

"I can't stay and wait Tom, I think I did enough waiting for you." She says softly looking at the ground. I put my index finger under her chin to make her meet my eyes. She flinched at my touch and turned her head to the side. "Jude, don't..."

"I only came to say goodbye Tom. I didn't think it was fair to disappear. I know how much it hurts to have someone leave without a trace."

_I want you to know,_

_That I can't let you go._

"You can't leave Jude. I need you." I say desperately. She shakes her head "You don't need anyone Tom. You've got yourself," She finally looks at me and I can see the angry, the hurt, everything in her big blue eyes. "That seems to be enough for you, from what i've seen at least."

"No, Jude, I need YOU.That's all I need."

_And you're never coming home again,_

_And you're never coming home again._

She ignores my statement this time. "I don't think i'm coming back. Sadie took the offer in New York, i'm going with her. It's time for me to go Tom."

_By my side,_

_You'll never be._

_By my side,_

_You'll never be._

That's when I realized that I was losing my girl. Probably forever. Tears came to my eyes quickly.

_I wanted to tell you I'd changed._

_I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time._

"What if I told you that i'm done with the... games and i'm ready to be us, no more anything... just us?" I asked frantically, trying my best to convince her to stay. I was literally grasping at straws. "It's too little to late. I was ready, now i'm done."

_But I see you, you see me,_

_Differently._

_I see you, you see me,_

_Differently._

"We're different now Tom," She continued sadly "We're too different."

"We're not, we can fix this, We're Tommy and Jude, we can fix this."

_You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again_

She looks at me and touches my cheek. For a minute I feel realived, leaning into her palm. She kisses my forehead. "I love you Tommy."

"I love you too." I say in a half-sob.

"Goodbye Tom." She says turning around and grabbing the handle of the door. I grab her waist and drop to my knees burying my face into her stomach "Please don't go." I plead over and over.

"It's better this way. After tonight, we'll never see each other again and I think... it's better that way." I can't tell if she's trying to convince me or herself. She pulls me to my feet and kisses me lightly. "Goodbye Tom." She says again. This time when she goes to leave I freeze, letting her leave. As soon as the door closed I collapsed on the couch, Jude was gone and it was like the air had just been sucked out of me, out of everything around me.

The only thing I knew was that I had to bring her back.. somehow.

**What do you think? Should i continue?**


	2. You gotta go there to come back

Summary: After seeing Tommy kiss Sadie at her 18th birthday Jude leaves. But not before saying goodbye to him one last time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or I'm alright (you gotta go there to come back) by the stereophoics

It's been 33 minutes and 26 seconds since Jude walked out my door and i'm already half-way through my bottle of whiskey. My vision is beyond foggy and the only thing inside my stomach besides the alchol is a feeling of self-loathing that makes me ache all over. "Jude," I say her name, it burns. "JUDE." I say again. I know none of this will do me any good, none of this will bring her back. But i'm still sitting here, drinking and shouting at an empty house.

_I'll drink another drink for you_

_One, two, three, four, five, once I drank a fish alive_

My head is pounding when i wake up the next morning and it takes all the energy i have to go into the bathroom and pop 3 asprin in my mouth. I swallow them dry trying to push away the huge lump in my htroat. Apparently that's not in my cards today.

_I'll drop another pill for you_

_Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, did it before, I'll do it again_

I go into work the next day, i know i look like i've been hit by a truck but since jude left there's no one here to impress. I'm throwing myself full force into producing Pagan, the legend Jamie somehow managed to land. He takes one look at me and says "Poor saps, seems like no one around here is the same without that blonde."

I smiled sadly "Well that blonde was talented, beautiful, smart..."

"And you loved her." He adds in with a sad smile

"And i love her. But not as much as i love using the good studio time we've been granted. Why don't we begin."

_I'll tell another joke for you_

_Did you hear the one about the one that looks like you_

I stopped into the bar that night, i just wanted anther drink, to take the edge off. Even if my whole life was one big edge right now. 2 days 6 hours 45 minutes and 29 seconds since it had been well rounded, perfect even. Well, not perfect but right now, that life seemed pretty darn good. I ordered my drink and sat nursing it in the corner until i saw that familiar head of blonde hair...

_I'll sleep with sleep arounds for you_

_Why don't you scratch my back and chew the tongue I chew_

It wasn't her. She looked like her from behind but it wasn't her. in my head i knew that but that didn't stop me from taking her home. In the tabloids the next morning were all the pictures that proved this, in my bed that morning was the woman who proved it. I scolded myself, i knew that if jude saw these she would be hurt. Even if she tried to deny it. And the title on of these tabloids "Little Tommy Q caught sneaking around with Jude Harrison look alike.

_I'm alright_

_I'm alright_

_I'll tell another lie for you_

_Tell you what you wanna hear, but that don't make it true_

I left her messages on her phone telling her to call me, no games, jut to talk. I lied though, i didn't just want to talk to her i wanted to convince her to come back. I didn't really expect her to call back but when that face flashed across my screen i was the happiest i'd ever been. I smiled even, a real smile

_I'll wear another smile for you_

_That way you know I'm fine, and having fun with you_

The smile didn't last long though when i heard the voice on the phone didn't belong to jude. "Hello Mr. Quincy, this is Lara Thompson, you called my phone today looking for Jude Harrison?"

"Yes."

"Well i'm sorry sir but she's changed her number. Could you give the word to Darius Mills and mister... Kwest please?"

"Yes of course, sorry for the disturbances."

"It's alright, i don't think i'll ever have so many famous people ringing me."

"Thank you miss Thompson."

"You're welcome mister Quincy. I hope you find Jude."

"Thank you." I say hanging up.

_I'll draw another line for you_

_That way you know I'm hip, that way you know I'm cool_

_I'll smoke another smoke for you_

_I'll blow back in your mouth and you can blow back too_

I grabbed the cigarettes out of my back pocket and smoked yet another one. Jude had changed her number. Kwest and Darius had been trying to call and if Darius was trying that only meant one thing, he was going to talk to her whether she liked it or not.

_I'm alright_

_I'm alright_

_You gotta go there to come back_

I stormed into his office after throwing my cigarette onto the ground. "D, I need a favor, Jude changed her number, i need her new one."

"Ask Jamie, he's the only who's got it. That girl is going through a lot to keep it secret, she'll only send me messages through Andrews."

"Thank you D." How could i have not thought of Jamie before.

_I'll take another punch for you_

_Tie my hands behind my back, that way you cannot lose_

"I need to speak to her Jamie."

"I can't give you the number Tom. She told me not to give it to you especially. Somehing about it defeating the purpose."

I grabbed him by his collar "Damn it Jamie this isn't a game to me, I NEED that number."

"I already told you, i can't give it to you." I let go of his collar and hung my head in defeat.

"But i didn't promise not to tell you where she is." My head shot up. I think i may have loved Jamie Andrews almost as much as i loved Jude in that moment. He whipped out a piece of paper and wrote something on it quickly. I thanked him and went running for my viper.

_I'll make another pound for you_

_So you can drive your motor car, and drive you to the moon_

I drove straight to the airport quickly grabbing my credit card and passport and rushing towards the ticket bay. "One to New York, first class, I need to be on the next available flight." "The next flight leaves in 37 minutes sir. It's your lucky day, someone just gave up thier seat." "I'll take it." I said handing her my card.

_I'm alright_

_I'm alright_

I hailed a cab as soon as i got off the plane. With no luggage it was a lot faster to get out of the airport. I gave the cabbie the address and impatiently tapped my foot until we got there. I threw the cabbie all the cash i had, a hundered and let him keep the $56.98 as a tip. I looked up at the apartment building, somewhere inside of it Jude was sitting, writing, doing something and in a minute i'd be inside, i'd see her. Just as i pushed the buzzer to be let up the rain started to fall.

_You. Me. Us. Free... we're alright, alright_

_Love. Pain. Hate. Rain... we're alright, alright_

_Give. Take. Time. Place... we're alright, alright_

"Hello?" Sadie's voice came over the intercom. "Is that my chinese?" Jude asked in the background, at her voice, my heart nearly stopped. "Chinese Delivery." I said trying my best to disguise my voice. "Comon up." I heard Jude say. I pushed the door open and ran up the stairs to her apartment. I knocked on the door loudly. "Coming, coming." I heard someone yell. "Here you... you're not chinese." Kat said. A smile slowly formed on her lips. I took that as a good sign.

"Nope, i'm not." I said smiling back.


	3. lost count

Summary: After seeing Tommy kiss Sadie at her 18th birthday Jude leaves. But not before saying goodbye to him one last time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or Lost Count by ebba forsberg

_**Been walked**_

_**Out upon**_

_**And been the one**_

_**Walking**_

_**Out**_

_**On the ones**_

_**I love**_

"I'll um, i'll go get... Jude, i'll go get Jude for you." Kat said smiling again. I was taking this smiling as a good sign, if Kat was happy to see me that at least meant that Jude was going to be at least a little glad. Even if she didn't show it, even if she didn't smile, i'd know because of the look in her eyes.

"Thanks" I whispered trying to keep my voice from giving me away. Kat turned away from me and disappeared around a corner. "Uh Jude, I left the money on the desk in my room do you think you can pay the guy and i'll give you the money?"

"Sure, but i thought you had the money, you grabbed it before you ran to the door."

"You know i thought that too but uh, i don't have it. Will you please go pay the guy, he's got other deliveries to make."

"I'm going." I could picture her throwing her hands up in defeat. I heard her heels clacking against the wooden floors. I closed my eyes as they got closer and closer. I opened my eyes just before she rounded the corner.

"Sorry about that, she left her..." She looked at me, shocked. "Tommy?"

_**Made my**_

_**Life a mess**_

_**I can't put the blame on anyone but myself**_

_**Lost hope and I**_

_**Lost faith**_

_**So many times I lost count**_

_**Been stumbling**_

_**Grouping**_

_**Caught**_

_**But found a way**_

_**Out of**_

_**Each**_

_**And every trap**_

_**Somehow**_

_**And so far**_

"You're not chinese." She said repeating what Kat had said. "No, i'm not." I said cracking into my infamous smirk.

"I have so many questions i can't even... i don't even know what to start with." She said, her face looked like she was off someplace else.

"Start with the easy ones." I said smiling again, I just wanted to pull her into a hug to make sure she was really standing in front of me.

"What are you doing here?" I shook my head "I needed to see you."

"Why?" The smirk fell from my face, i knew where she was going with this. "I thought you had moved on." She picked up the tabloid off the table and held it up. "Jude, you can't believe the garbage you read in those trash mags." She shook her head with a scoff, this wasn't how things were supposed to work out.

_**Made my**_

_**Life a mess**_

_**I can't put the blame on anyone but myself**_

_**Lost hope and I**_

_**Lost faith**_

_**So many times I lost count**_

_**I lost count...**_

_**Lost hope and I**_

_**Lost faith**_

_**So many time I lost count**_

"It wasn't what i read Tom. I mean there's what 800 word in her about this new girl and a pictures worth a thousand. That leaves 200 words for you to make up for. I mean it's kind of obvious what going on here." She threw the magazne back onto the table.

"Jude..." I started to speak, to defend myself but i stopped. What way could i defend myself when i was wrong? "You're right." I said hanging my head.

She stepped back, again, i had shocked her. "What?"

"You're right. I told you that i loved you and the first chance i got after you left i hooked up with someone. You're right, it was the wrong thing to do."

"I didn't think that i'd ever hear you say that," She whispered, her chin hitting her chest in defeat, her sniffling broke my heart.

I put my index finger under her chin and raised her face to look at me. "I came here to apologize. I shouldn't have done that. I honestly don't know what i was thinking. But there is one thing that you have to understand."

_**Been walked**_

_**Out upon**_

_**And been the one**_

_**Walking**_

_**Out**_

"You left me Jude," I continued with a sigh "And i've never been left before. I've disappeared, i've left, but this time... you left. Just when i was ready to let you in, you left. And I realize that it wasn't fair to make you wait or to show up after i made another mistake but Jude... I need you, i really need you and... if you think that you might want me... or need me to you just have to tell me and i'll come running Jude." I turn slowly hoping that she'll stop me before i grab the doorknob. "Tommy?" "Yeah?" I say urgently "I need a little time to think. I'll call you in the morning if that's alright."

I smile, hopefully and sadly. "Yeah Jude, that's alright."


	4. Make this go on forever alternate chap

Summary: After seeing Tommy kiss Sadie at her 18th birthday Jude leaves. But not before saying goodbye to him one last time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or Make this go on forever by snow patrol

**Just so you know this is an alternate version of chapter 3 (lost count)**

_**Please don't let this turn into something it's not **_

_**I can only give you everything I've got **_

_**I can't be as sorry as you think I should **_

_**But I still love you more than anyone else could **_

"I'll um.. go get Jude." She said quickly disappearing around a corner. "Hey Harrison, door for you."

"Chinese?" I heard Jude ask skeptically.

"Well go and see." Kat said back flatly. I heard Jude's heels clacking against the tiles until she was finally standing in front of me.

"Tom. What are you doing here?"

The coldness in her tone knocked the wind right out of me.

_**All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight **_

_**Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right **_

_**The splintered mast I'm holding won't save me long **_

_**Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong **_

"I had to see you." As soon as the words left my lips she scoffed.

"From what I read, you don't need to see me you need a... Jude Harrison look alike."

"Jude..."

"You know when i left i thought maybe you did love me as much as you said you did. Then, not even a week after i leave you sleep with someone else. What is that Tom? And don't say you were lonely or drunk, i'm sick of hearing that."

And with those words all hope of me ever getting Jude to come home seemed to float out the window.

_**The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could **_

_**The first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything **_

_**The weight of water the way you taught me **_

_**To look past everything I had ever learned **_

_**The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love **_

"You know the sad thing Tom, i actually thought of staying, you had almost convinced me to stay. Now i'm glad i left, at least i didn't have to see you with her..."

_**We have got through so much worse than this before **_

_**What's so different this time that you can't ignore? **_

_**You say it is much more than just my last mistake **_

_**And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes**_

"Jude..."

"I think you need to leave. now."

_**The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could **_

_**The first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything **_

_**The weight of water the way you taught me **_

_**To look past everything I had ever learned **_

_**The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love **_

GOD there was no way to get through to this girl, she was just like me, too damn stubborn for her own good.

_**The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could **_

_**The first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything **_

_**The weight of water the way you taught me **_

_**To look past everything I had ever learned **_

_**The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love **_

I kept my feet firmly planted where they were, there was no way she was getting rid of me that easily. Not after i had tracked her down out of the country.

_**And I don't know where to look **_

_**My words just break and melt **_

_**Please just save me from this darkness **_

_**Please just save me from this darkness **_

"she meant nothing Jude." I said quitely. She shook her head

"i'm sorry is that supposed to make me feel better? That you didn't come looking for me but you had a meaningless one night stand with a girl instead."

"Jude..."

_**And I don't know where to look **_

_**My words just break and melt **_

_**Please just save me from this darkness**_

_**Please just save me from this darkness**_

"What's her name?"

"What?"

"The article, the only thing it doesn't mention is her name, what is it?"

"I.. i don't know Jude."

"So, you didn't come looking for me, the girl you're supposed to love but you had some meaningless sex with a nameless girl? I think you need to go. Now."

"Jude..." She held up her hand to silence me.

"Just don't Tom. I think you've done more than enough."

"Just... promise me that in the morning you'll call so that I can... we can't leave things like this."

"Fine. If i think that you deserve my time te nyes, in the morning i'll call you. until then, stay the hell away from me."


	5. a lack of color

Summary: After seeing Tommy kiss Sadie at her 18th birthday Jude leaves. But not before saying goodbye to him one last time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or A lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie

_**And when i see you**_

_**I really see you upside down**_

_**But my brain knows better**_

_**It picks you up and turns you around**_

_**Turns you around, turns you around**_

No matter how many times I repeated in my head that she would call, I couldn't imagine her picking up the phone and dialing my number to pour out her feelings. I poured a little more scotch into my now empty glass. Who would have thought that a barely legal punk rocker would be the girl to rive Tom Quincy over the edge. Certainly not me. I drank what had just been poured into my cup and took a good look around my hotel room... well... suite really. I hadn't realized until now that everything was black and white.

_**If you feel discouraged**_

_**That there's a lack of color here**_

_**Please don't worry lover**_

_**It's really bursting at the seams**_

_**Absorbing everything**_

_**The spectrum's a to z**_

When I heard the knock on my door I could barely see straight. I pushed myself off of the chair i was sitting on and led myself to the door using the wall as my support. I didn't look in the peep-hole to see who it was. What was the point, i wouldn't be able to focus anyway. I opened the door trying my hardest not to swing with it only to be greeted by those big blue eyes i loved so much.

"Jude. What are you doing here?" I asked suddenly feeling very sobered. "I'm not exactly sure." She whispered slowly.

"Come in. Come in." I said ushering her through the door. I could tell by the look on her face as she looked around the suite that she was thinking about the lack of color in the room too.

"It's very drab in here isn't it?" She asked shakily. I smiled "It's just lacking in color." She nodded like it made all the sense in the world.

"Before, you said.. at the apartment you said..."

"I love you?" I asked with a smile

"Yeah. Did you mean it?"

"I've never meant anything more."

"I just... I wanted to know... before i decide what to do. I just had to know. But um, i guess i'll uh call you in the morning. I mean i need a little more time i just needed to be sure before... I'll call in the morning." She hadn't even sat down and before i could reply she was gone.

_**This is fact not fiction**_

_**For the first time in years**_

_**And all the girls in every girlie magazine**_

_**Can't make me feel any less alone**_

_**I'm reaching for the phone**_

I threw myself back into the chair and rubbed my forhead to try and keep away the headache that was slowly becoming more noticable. All I could think of was Jude but then again what else had I thought about since she left? By the time I looked up again I noticed the sun peaking up through the curtains, had i really been sitting here thinking of Jude that long? I guess time really did go faster in New York.

_**To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home**_

_**But i know it's too late**_

_**I should have given you a reason to stay**_

_**Given you a reason to stay**_

_**Given you a reason to stay**_

_**Given you a reason to stay**_

Wait a minute, New York. We were still in New York, Jude was planning on staying here. Before I knew what I was doing I grabbed the phone and dialed Sadie's house phone number, the one i had gotten off of the speaker box "Hey you've reached Sadie AND JUDE! Leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you! MAYBE!" the beep reminded me of the reason i was calling "Uh Jude, it's Tom. I just realized that you're staying in New York." I wiped my eyes, when did i start crying?

"But girl, we need you back home, you gotta come back with me, after, before me but you just you gotta come back. I just.. I need you there at G-major, in the country, back in that house. I just need you."

_**This is fact not fiction**_

_**For the first time in years**_

"So please, you don't have to come up with an answer now i just i need you to think..."

"Tommy?" She asked quietly, her voice was husky. "Hi, I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's ok, i didn't actually go to sleep. I was um trying to figure out what to say..."

"What did you come up with?"

"Absolutely nothing that i want to say over the phone. Can I um, come see you?"

"I'd like that."

"I'll be there in 10."


	6. lost time

Summary: After seeing Tommy kiss Sadie at her 18th birthday Jude leaves. But not before saying goodbye to him one last time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or Lost time by Azure Ray

_**I never said that it was mine**_

_**I was just holding it**_

_**If I was lonely all this time**_

_**Well I didn't know it**_

_**And if I tried too hard**_

_**I'd probably blow it**_

_**The rest is just a guess**_

I just kept staring at the red numbers on the alarm clock beside the bed. Minutes passed by incredibly slowly and i was starting to think that she'd never show up. But she was Jude, Reliable, never let you down-type Jude. It had only been 5 minutes. I just hoped against hope that for once in her life Jude Harrison would show up on time.

_**If it's all just luck**_

_**It was tough enough**_

_**If we lost some time**_

_**Then we'll make it up, up**_

6 minutes down, 4 to go. God that girl had me wrapped around her finger. She said 10 minutes and i took it as "I'll be there in 10 minutes tops, wait by the door just in case if by some strange miracle i can catch a cab at 7 am in New York and get half-way across town in a millisecond." I couldn't take this waitng much longer.

_**I never said that it was time**_

_**I was just hoping it**_

_**If I was always on your mind**_

_**You didn't show it**_

_**But when I shut my eyes**_

_**You always know it**_

_**The rest could be the best**_

3 minutes to go. That's all it would be until Jude would officially be late, that's 180 seconds, 100 paces in the little circle of carpet in front of the door, 18 plops into the chair to run my fingers through my hair, 320 taps of my feet, and 120 bad thoughts running through my head as i thought about how broken i would really be if she turned me down. She couldn't turn me down. Could she?

_**And if it's just luck**_

_**It was tough enough**_

_**If we lost some time**_

_**Then we'll make it up, up?**_

I had broken her heart, more than once, how many times had i hurt her. Well first it was the kiss at her first concert, then at her sweet 16, then dating Sadie, then the model thing when Sadie thought I was cheating, then again after i disappeared, again at the church when i told her we couldn't work and then, this last time, calling her a drunk at her 18th birthday to keep Hunter from hurting her and then there was Sadie, kissing me, making things worse still. There was no way that Jude was going to forgive me for all of that.

_**And a heart that craves, gets lost in everything**_

_**And a heart in need, finds hope in anything**_

I looked at the clock, 2 more minutes. 120 seconds. I sat back down in the chair and put my head in my hands trying to massage away a headache i didn't know i had. I didn't hear the soft knock at the door at first. Not until she kncoked a little louder before finally just trying to open the door. I was glad that i had left it unlocked all of the sudden.

"Hi." She whispered softly standing next to the chair.

"Hi" I whispered back.

_**If it's all just luck**_

_**It was tough enough**_

_**And if we lost some time**_

_**We can make it up**_

"I need to say things, things you might not like but I need to say them and you can't interupt or i'll lose my nerve and these things... they need to be said if we want things to work."

"Ok." I nodded. I couldn't hide my delight when she said "if we want things to work." I knew that meant she was giving me another chance.

"You left me when i really needed you, you broke my heart... god more times then i can count, you told me that you loved me and then publicly humiliated me and kissed my sister. I don't think these are things i'll ever be able to forget Tom, that's why i left. And as muched as i hoped you would, i din't think that you'd show up at my doorstep asking me for forgiveness. I didn't think that you really loved me, i thought you were just trying to get me to stay," She sniffled and bit her lower lip, i could tell she was trying to keep from crying. "I spoke to Darius last night, he told me... about Hunter," She sniffled again. "So um i kind of wanted to apologize because i invited him to my party, he told me he was a friend of yours so i invited him and if i hadn't we wouldn't be in this mess. But I need you to answer a question, honestly, completely honestly. Well, 2 questions actually."

I nodded "Why didn't you tell me about Hunter, why did you have to... why didn't you just tell me?"

"I'm not... I'm not proud of my past Jude and i'm not ready to open up about it just yet. You have to give me time. I knew that if I told you about Hunter you'd be... scared as hell and that i'd want to comfort you. If Hunter saw that he'd kill you Jude, just to get back at me. If he hurt you Jude... I never would have been able to get over it. If he hurt you because of me... i'd die Jude."

She nodded slowly and looked at the floor, she got that distant look in her eyes again.

"Did you... god i feel so stupid asking this... did you feel... anything when Sadie kissed you?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Nothing. She was never you Jude which meant that i never felt much for her at all. At first I thought hell, a Harrison for a Harrison but then you... you made yourself stand out... you always got my attention, all of it. So no, when Sadie kissed me, i didn't feel anything at all."

_**If we lost some time**_

_**Then we'll make it up**_

"Why can't we always say these things? Why do we always have to wait until someone gets hurt?"

"Because our timing sucks and because... i hide things to make it easier on myself. I pretend not to feel things and i pretend things never happened to avoid feeling hurt by them. It's hard to let someone in when you're doing that."

_**If we lost some time**_

_**Now we're making it up**_

She was silent for what felt like an eternity. I couldn't take another minute of her silence. "Jude?" She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

"Could you just, do you think you can just hold me for a minute?" I had her in my arms before she had even finished her sentence.

"I love you Jude." I could feel her relax even further into my arms

"I... i love you too Quincy."


	7. sleep tonight

Summary: After seeing Tommy kiss Sadie at her 18th birthday Jude leaves. But not before saying goodbye to him one last time.

Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or sleep tonight by stars

**Author's note: The alternate version of chapter three just fits right into the story so there shouldn't be any other alternate chapters. Jude acts like an uber-b and then shows up at his apartment and the story continues from there. Thought i'd clarify since a few people seemed to think this story was going to go two ways, the original and the alternate and it's not... yeah. done rambling now.**

_**We dont want to sleep tonight**_

_**Still young like that i count the lines**_

_**Beside your mouth that smiles now**_

_**My arms reach up as you go down**_

_**With buried heads we both forget**_

_**All of the past and its regret**_

_**Wind picks up, the window shakes**_

_**We wont hear the morning break**_

We stood at the door for a while just standing, me holding her while she cried, while i cried. Finally, our tears had stopped and we slowly made our way into the hotel suite, not just into the entry-way. Jude slid onto the couch while I stretched the kink out of my back, hunching over Jude was harder on the back than it looked.

"Tom?" She said quitely, looking up at me.

"Yeah?"

"Sit with me, like on my 17th birthday." I smiled at the memory and sat down, letting her rest her head on my chest. Before i knew what was going on we were both asleep.

_**You will cry**_

_**And i will cry**_

_**Cuz all the love's**_

_**Alive tonight**_

It was the tapping at the window that woke me up, a pigeon's beak, tapping at the window. Jude hadn't even stirred at the sound but it was beginning to drive me nuts. I slowly tried to move without waking her but it didn't work. As soon as i got my arms and chest free her eyes shot open.

_**Neighbourhoods will try to dream**_

_**While you and me we hold and lean**_

_**Onto bodies slick and charged**_

_**Together just one beating heart**_

_**All around us quiet now**_

_**We hear the leaves fall to the ground**_

_**Morning light upon our bed**_

_**An ally while i catch your breath**_

"Where are you going?" She asked almost shooting off the couch.

"There's a bird at the window, i'm trying to get it to go away." She nodded and sat back down putting her head into her hands.

"You alright Jude?"

"Yeah... no... i don't know." She looked down at her hands as she twiddled her thumbs.I kneeled down in front of her and out my hands on the side of her face.

"What is it Gir..."

Before i could even finish saying her nickname her lips were on mine. I smiled into her lips and kissed her back with everything i had. Before could even think things were getting heated. "Jude?"

"You love me Tom?" She asked in a suprisingly loud voice.

"More than anything."

"Then just... be with me."

_**You will cry**_

_**And i will cry**_

_**Cuz all the love's**_

_**Alive tonight**_

_**You will cry**_

When I woke up this time i was all alone on the couch. I sat up and looked around the suite trying hard to find Jude. I looked up and saw he ron the balcony wrapped in the throw from the couch,and what exactly was i supposed to cover myself with now? I grabbed a robe from the bathroom and walked toward the balcony as i tied the belt. I stopped dead in my tracks when i heard her cryng softly.

_**You will cry**_

_**And I will cry**_

_**Cuz all the love's **_

_**Alive tonight**_

_**You will cry**_

"Jude? What's wrong, did i do something else..."

She looked up at me and smiled "No Quincy for the first time ever, these... these are happy tears."

I smiled and wrapped my arm around her shoulders giving her a light kiss on the top of her head. In that exact moment I was happier than i had ever been in my life because i had Jude, completely and utterly to myself without having to worry about everyone else. And as crazy as it may sound i was glad that she had come to New York because if she hadn't then i would have never known what it was to lose her. And if i hadn't lost her, I'd never know the feeling of finding her again.

**THE END!!!**

**What do you guys think?**


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